Enough.

Enough. Enough complaining, enough self loathing, enough with the variables in my life that are changeable. I have spent years under the influence of self depreciation and hatred, with a hefty side of ignorance as bliss. Unable to cope with emotional ailments and childhood bullying, I succumb to becoming what everyone told me I was. I ate feelings for myself and family. I grew into the extra large t shirts and baggy jeans that were a constant reminder in my closet of what I would become. In one year, I lost an important patriarch of my family, lost the (at the time) longest relationship I’d ever had, lost my home, and gained over 100lbs. All of this happened nearly 5 years ago, and I’m living proof that bad decisions don’t go away over night. I was a mess. I am a mess, a look inside my car or my kitchen is a visible representation of how I feel about myself.

This morning I looked in the mirror and see why my mother greets me with a concerned look, why each of my clients dance around talking about restaurants and weightloss, and why clerks at clothing stores act as if I’m practically invisiable. A step on the scale tells me what I’ve chosen to ignore, I have officially reached my highest weight and I’ve done it to myself. I can blame it on life as a newlywed, my pcos, or genetics… but the truth is that is EASIER to eat out, its CONVENIENT to pick something up on the way home, and its “normal” to not check calories. Ive had enough. The bags of trash from my car and mountain of clean dishes congratulate me and let me know that I’m moving forward. I chose to change my life and to make it a permanent change.

I want to be clear that no one in my chosen family makes me feel less than perfect or wanted. My husband is wildly supportive of everything I want and has never known me as anything much smaller in weight than what I am currently. I’m writing this to hold myself accountable and to document this journey so I never forget where I’ve started, not to tell me who I am. So here we are, Day 1 of the rest of my life. I know that I may slip up or make mistakes along the way, but writing this will remind me in my weakest moments that I never want to feel this way again.

The “diet” I’ve chosen, after years of trying and failing every diet around, is a ketotarian way of eating. It’s a mostly whole food plant based diet, high fat and low carb. I’ll follow up with a 5-6 day 2-a-day program, cardio in the morning and mild weight lifting in the evening with my husband. I’ll be staying under 35g net carbs, while maintaining 130g fat and 160g protein. Here’s to a new adventure and better me.cropped-img_0728

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